24 Comments
User's avatar
PlaCZebo's avatar

Fuck I really wished this was real.

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

What do you mean? It is

Expand full comment
PlaCZebo's avatar

Well, we should visit one together. The last time I tried my Gold Card wasn‘t accepted. They said they changed to silver.

Expand full comment
the author's avatar

goddammit i got so not-bored with reading this that i finished it and now i'm writing a comment.

what the fuck, man. need a better word for when a thing is this not-boring. i'll call my wordologist tomorrow.

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

Thank you, this comment made me really not-depressed. See if that wordologist can prescribe some not-Prozac for me.

Expand full comment
the author's avatar

you can have some lexies if u share the edibles. before you try and tell me what's in them, imma let you know i don't care, they warn drugs about *me*.

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

You are the one who knocks, got it 👍

Expand full comment
ARC's avatar

Cease and desist! Cease and desist! This was the same bar mitzvah where I was officially made spokesperson for our secret alliance and I don't appreciate these unauthorized disclosures.

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

I ran it by George and he said I was allowed to share this much as long as I didn’t go into details

Expand full comment
ARC's avatar

If you only knew; I have so much material I could use to keep this going but I have to stop because I know people in real life and the loonies may use this against them.

Expand full comment
Daniel Melgar's avatar

Someone is going to take you seriously. Remember that most people get their information from CNN and Fox News.

Expand full comment
barnabus's avatar

That really cheered me up. Couldn't stop laughing :D

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

I’m so glad! ❤️❤️❤️

Expand full comment
barnabus's avatar

My wife was just telling me how sad she became when she listened to a shiur that we must see it as a mercy that we can now at least bury Shiri, Ariel, and Kfir Bibas.

Expand full comment
Jacob's avatar

Ugh I love your writing and this is great satire but the generational trauma in me is terrified that someone will read this and think it is real

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

Whoever would read this and think it’s real already thought it before they read it haha

Expand full comment
PhineusGage's avatar

You’re a Jewball

Also, one of the most brutally authentic, surprising and intelligent writers in these pages.

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

Ahhh thank you 🥲❤️

Expand full comment
Yitz's avatar

Sophie, we can not let the gentiles in on all the fun! Please don’t tell them about our secret Talmudic raves either

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

don't worry! most of them aren't getting approved even if they tried lol

Expand full comment
Ian Winter's avatar

This makes Biden so relatable and I am learning a lot. Wait… what?! 😏

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

He’s literally the sweetest ❤️

Expand full comment
Sophie's avatar

I’m sure they will, but for every one of those there will be a couple more to criticize them for it 🤷‍♀️

Expand full comment
Anonymous Dude's avatar

I guess this is a parody of the Matzoh Balls for Jewish people under 35 to socialize and hopefully pair off? They still have those?

Expand full comment