Demystifying the Global Jewball Tradition

an explanation

Photo taken from the Rothschild’s surrealist ball.

As global tensions have risen in the past year, so too did the general confusion and misinformation campaigns about the Jewish people. So in pursuit of edification, and that alone, I wanted to clear the air and explain once and for all our often-cryptic culture and traditions to put to rest some of the conspiracy theories I’ve heard circulating.

So I’m sure you all know that when a Jewish girl or boy turns 12 or 13 respectively, they are bat/bar mitzvahed which in Judaism, marks the transition from childhood into adulthood. When you think of this rite of passage, you probably think of a religious ceremony followed by an elaborate party. You may have even attended a few of your own back in the day.

But what many people don’t know about this sacred custom is what is arguably the most important part: when a Jewish child turns this special age, he or she receives a card in the mail engraved with their name and identification, similar to a credit card or a driver's license. You may have heard of people talking about “using the Jewish card” or “getting the Jewish pass”, which are colloquialisms the gentiles have come up with, though in reality we actually refer to it as our Gold Card (in reference to its composite). This Gold Card grants us access to private Jewish events held all over the world.

These events take place once a month in most major cities, and feature food, music, drinks, entertainment, educational seminars, and lively conversation. They are known as Global Jewballs, but I swear life is one giant game of telephone, as the masses have somewhat come to butcher, albeit, endearingly, the name. It’s a JEW-BALL guys, like, a ball for Jews. Where did you get the C from? Cabal? That doesn’t even make sense.

Now you may be thinking, this sounds like a grand time, and may wonder, does one need to be Jewish in order to attend one of these balls? Well, the short answer is, no. But the long answer is that it’s not that simple.

See, there are ways for non-Jews to be granted entry, but these spots are typically reserved for celebrities, politicians, or other influential individuals. On top of that, there is a rigorous initiation process these people must go through in order to become accepted. Considering that Jews have been such a targeted minority for most of history, we unfortunately cannot let just anyone in, and we have to make sure that those we do are loyal to the cause.

Now I have attended quite the Jewball in my day, but probably the most notable was a night where I happened to be in particularly low-spirits. On this evening, Joe Biden was rumored to have been in attendance. High-ranking individuals are typically escorted to a seperate room, and only get to make deals conversation with the most senior Jews in the organization.

So anyways, this day, I was just wandering around somewhat despondent when I look up to see none other than our president, Joe Biden, standing right before my eyes! He looks at me and says, what’s wrong Sweetheart, why do you look so sad? Though starstruck, I finally managed to conjure up words and explained to him how everyone is just being so mean to us and it’s really hurting my feelings.

He tells me, don’t worry, Daddy will fix it, and next thing I know, he’s taking out his checkbook and writing a 3 billion dollar check to the state of Israel! Such a sweet man. Now I don’t know, maybe he was just drunk or sundowning or something, but I will always cherish this special memory I got to share with the president of the United States.

I hope this article cleared some things up for you, and if you have any more questions, don’t hesitate to ask <3